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John
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm not quite sure if anyone is actually reading the stuff I post, but its still nice to have my stuff out there. Who knows, maybe someone will get something out of it.
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There's been a turn in my talk.

 A swerve in my mind, as the summer winds down.  College is coming back.  When I greet them, I want to tell them all that I had a great summer and that I loved every minute of every day I spent at home and at work, fucking and laughing, smiling and writing, sobbing and seeing.  But this truth is that I wanted to die this summer.
 The truth is that after a year of being happy and loving my life I came home to my parents and I wanted to kill myself.  That is hard to explain to anyone not in my head, which no one but the voices of sadder and angrier me exist.  I want to tell them that my parents provide for me, and pay for me, and that I love them, but that at the same time I hate them for making me hate myself.  I want to try to explain that the two are not mutually exclusive, but its hard to find the words.

 It's hard to articulate that after ten years of being told the worst things imaginable by the people you love unimaginably you just feel a little hollow inside.

 That happiness doesn't rub so smoothly across your skin, and that to feel sad is nice because it's feeling something at all.  But I broke from that.  I went away to school and I loved me again.  141 days of loving being me.  Then I came home and a month later I wish I was dead, because I'm so tired of the fight.  So tired of the names.  And its harder now than it was before.  Because when you hear that you are a fucking disappointment for long enough, you start repeating it.  And when you repeat it for long enough, you start believing it.  But I love my parents.  And I think they love me.  I hope they love me.  But I can't bear to ask for fear of the answer.

 So I just keep fighting on, I keep my eyes trained on the floor of my life so that there is no contact.

 Because I want to lose, but I need to fight.  I need to persevere.  If I lose then I die, and I've almost lost before.  I don't want to lose again.  Not now.  Not ever.  I don't know if I could survive.  So I've just gotta keep fighting, even if its only to spite that hollow feeling in my stomach that I get every time I look in the mirror.  I just stay angry because it keeps me going.  And I guess that's what life is all about, keeping going.  Feeling the blistering under your feet and the scrape of your knuckles on the concrete you've fallen to.

 I can't give up on me.
I make smudges in my mirror
I'm tired of all this definition
These hard contours I got from staying indoors
But I confess, I need to make a mess
It’s the spirals that pull me down
It’s the round about that makes me shout
My muscles simply know to tense
Because I don't know how to feel
I can't explain how I think
I just do and act and then I blink

Things flow by like I didn't even try
But here I am, smashed by the aftermath
And my eyes bubble out of their sockets
While all my teeth fall out
Then I wake up and I can't feel the sun
And the cold makes me feel twice as old, not numb
So none can explain my blistering brain
Though its not like I care, I just stare
And that which I vie leaves me petrified
Stone beneath the howling winds

A heavy hand buried beneath pounds of sand
Is all I have left and all that I reflect
They know oxygen is a deadly poison
Someone's lungs scream through my locked lips
And Under the eroded balcony of my forehead
I see the afterimage of a winged man falling fast
He tumbles through the air, whistling as he works
When he strikes the ground a sickening crunch,
Pink viscera exploding like confetti, then red
I know him to be dead

The blur of things makes more sense
I see the world in broad strokes
Is there anything else I should expect
When I give myself such disrespect
While the synapses in my skull
Who sprint in place but let me spill
Make these feet anchors beneath my surface
Yet I am pleading with my eyes
I am paralyzed
I sojourn into a distinct nightmare
In it I am living life without care
And I am frightened by the calm
I cannot escape the fragrant balm
I race for shadows out of reach
But the sunlight would breach
My discord would fade away
Leaving me to miss the grey
When I wake up I hear the rain
I know that I can still feel pain
I am still to blame
My life is still the same

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:iconreyed33:
ReyeD33 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for faving Unleash the Beast by ReyeD33

:thanks:
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:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem at all!  Its a really cool piece of work!
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:iconmorningwar:
MorningWar Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for favoriting, John!
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:iconarchitart:
ArchitArt Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
Hey! thanks for the comments and favs, it's always good to get some feedback :)
Reply
:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome!  I am a huge One Piece fan, and I am glad to help out in any way!  I come up with OC's all the time, so I can totally appreciate the work you have to put into it.  Great job!
Reply
:iconarchitart:
ArchitArt Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
I'm glad you like them, it would be cool to see some of your OC's too ^^
Reply
:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, Thanks!  I haven't managed to actually upload anything yet, as you know (little case of cold feet on my part).  I appreciate the interest, and am excited to see what you think, assuming I manage to work up the energy and upload something.  Thanks again!
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(1 Reply)
:iconn-pigeon:
n-pigeon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Digital Artist
thx for fav!
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:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you are very welcome!
Reply
:iconsingingnight:
SingingNight Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
thanks so much for faving my GoT sigil! ^^
:icondragontailfast::iconthanksplz:
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