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John
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
I'm not quite sure if anyone is actually reading the stuff I post, but its still nice to have my stuff out there. Who knows, maybe someone will get something out of it.
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There's been a turn in my talk.

 A swerve in my mind, as the summer winds down.  College is coming back.  When I greet them, I want to tell them all that I had a great summer and that I loved every minute of every day I spent at home and at work, fucking and laughing, smiling and writing, sobbing and seeing.  But this truth is that I wanted to die this summer.
 The truth is that after a year of being happy and loving my life I came home to my parents and I wanted to kill myself.  That is hard to explain to anyone not in my head, which no one but the voices of sadder and angrier me exist.  I want to tell them that my parents provide for me, and pay for me, and that I love them, but that at the same time I hate them for making me hate myself.  I want to try to explain that the two are not mutually exclusive, but its hard to find the words.

 It's hard to articulate that after ten years of being told the worst things imaginable by the people you love unimaginably you just feel a little hollow inside.

 That happiness doesn't rub so smoothly across your skin, and that to feel sad is nice because it's feeling something at all.  But I broke from that.  I went away to school and I loved me again.  141 days of loving being me.  Then I came home and a month later I wish I was dead, because I'm so tired of the fight.  So tired of the names.  And its harder now than it was before.  Because when you hear that you are a fucking disappointment for long enough, you start repeating it.  And when you repeat it for long enough, you start believing it.  But I love my parents.  And I think they love me.  I hope they love me.  But I can't bear to ask for fear of the answer.

 So I just keep fighting on, I keep my eyes trained on the floor of my life so that there is no contact.

 Because I want to lose, but I need to fight.  I need to persevere.  If I lose then I die, and I've almost lost before.  I don't want to lose again.  Not now.  Not ever.  I don't know if I could survive.  So I've just gotta keep fighting, even if its only to spite that hollow feeling in my stomach that I get every time I look in the mirror.  I just stay angry because it keeps me going.  And I guess that's what life is all about, keeping going.  Feeling the blistering under your feet and the scrape of your knuckles on the concrete you've fallen to.

 I can't give up on me.
I make smudges in my mirror
I'm tired of all this definition
These hard contours I got from staying indoors
But I confess, I need to make a mess
It’s the spirals that pull me down
It’s the round about that makes me shout
My muscles simply know to tense
Because I don't know how to feel
I can't explain how I think
I just do and act and then I blink

Things flow by like I didn't even try
But here I am, smashed by the aftermath
And my eyes bubble out of their sockets
While all my teeth fall out
Then I wake up and I can't feel the sun
And the cold makes me feel twice as old, not numb
So none can explain my blistering brain
Though its not like I care, I just stare
And that which I vie leaves me petrified
Stone beneath the howling winds

A heavy hand buried beneath pounds of sand
Is all I have left and all that I reflect
They know oxygen is a deadly poison
Someone's lungs scream through my locked lips
And Under the eroded balcony of my forehead
I see the afterimage of a winged man falling fast
He tumbles through the air, whistling as he works
When he strikes the ground a sickening crunch,
Pink viscera exploding like confetti, then red
I know him to be dead

The blur of things makes more sense
I see the world in broad strokes
Is there anything else I should expect
When I give myself such disrespect
While the synapses in my skull
Who sprint in place but let me spill
Make these feet anchors beneath my surface
Yet I am pleading with my eyes
I am paralyzed
I sojourn into a distinct nightmare
In it I am living life without care
And I am frightened by the calm
I cannot escape the fragrant balm
I race for shadows out of reach
But the sunlight would breach
My discord would fade away
Leaving me to miss the grey
When I wake up I hear the rain
I know that I can still feel pain
I am still to blame
My life is still the same
On the first day, I was born over the garden wall in the bright light of May, and never did I learn my name.  I curled about in the mud, chewing at the rope around my neck.  I split the seams and tumbled deeper into the cave.  I was numb to nothing and my feet tingled with every twist of my neck.  I cried myself to sleep.

On the second day, when I crawled from my foxhole, my hair was wreathed in scarlet flowers that had fallen from the briar and I was overtaken by sweet pollen that flew like snow.  I made a dress with the fur of squirrels, and I let my hair hang low.  I danced and swung and played and laughed with all the birds in the forest.  I gripped my thumb and pulled on it until I could not bear the claws beneath my skin.

On the Third day I pulled my books from the branches of trees, and read all I could of the stars above and my mother Rain.  I drank from the teat of the wolf, and ran through the valley on all fours.  I dove under the film of the sea and let the bubbles burst from my lips like laughter.  I sung to an audience of owls and mice who had clambered their way down from their hovels among the clouds.  I ran my hand along the curve of my breasts and felt myself grow older.

On the fourth day I bathed in the sable milk that leaked from the hills and the stones of the mountains to the east.  I stole shells from the treasury of the master of the beach and napped upon a bed of grass.  I howled at the sun because it just looked so lonely and I chased a cloud just to see it weep.  I sat atop a hill and watched the horizon devour the evening sky.  I plucked a single hair from my head and spun it between my fingers, watching as it caught the light and shimmered with the color of snow.

On the fifth day I heard the call of the soil and knew that the bears were returning to slumber.  I listen as the wind rolls out of the mouth of the mountains and lulls me back to my foxhole.  I numbly felt the leaves crumble crisply beneath my feet and I cringed as sap slithered down my sagging bosoms.  I heard my mother Rain upon the curtain of night, and I realized I missed her.  I laid myself down for the lasting sleep as the sun sunk beneath the distant hills.  I dreamed of my memories.
Vixen
Here's a little thing I wrote inspired by Gaelic and Celtic folklore.
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:iconreyed33:
ReyeD33 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for faving Unleash the Beast by ReyeD33

:thanks:
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:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem at all!  Its a really cool piece of work!
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:iconmorningwar:
MorningWar Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for favoriting, John!
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:iconarchitart:
ArchitArt Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
Hey! thanks for the comments and favs, it's always good to get some feedback :)
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:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome!  I am a huge One Piece fan, and I am glad to help out in any way!  I come up with OC's all the time, so I can totally appreciate the work you have to put into it.  Great job!
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:iconarchitart:
ArchitArt Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
I'm glad you like them, it would be cool to see some of your OC's too ^^
Reply
:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, Thanks!  I haven't managed to actually upload anything yet, as you know (little case of cold feet on my part).  I appreciate the interest, and am excited to see what you think, assuming I manage to work up the energy and upload something.  Thanks again!
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(1 Reply)
:iconn-pigeon:
n-pigeon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Digital Artist
thx for fav!
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:iconabsolutegravityzone:
AbsoluteGravityZone Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you are very welcome!
Reply
:iconsingingnight:
SingingNight Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
thanks so much for faving my GoT sigil! ^^
:icondragontailfast::iconthanksplz:
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